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[ Breathing out some level of amusement, V's arms wrap around Kerry properly, tugging him closer to embrace him like he really wants to. Without that anchor point it's not hard to realize he feels like he's just floating away. ]

Impressive for your age.

[ Okay, maybe he's not above teasing, but clearly the age gap never bothers him. Especially with the way he ducks his head to press a warm kiss to the side of Kerry's neck and just... doesn't pull away again. ]

Just uh... [ Of course his voice is muffled into the curve of that beautiful neck, but the close contact helps balance him out some way ] a lot to think about. Bein' here. What's waitin' at home.

[Kerry makes an amused sound at the dig at his age but feels it's more important to let V get his thoughts out than respond with his own counter.

When V admits he's thinking about what's waiting back home Kerry hums softly to let the vibrations in his throat sooth V a bit.]

Because you're sick? Or because you might lose people again?

[ Silence drags into a long few moments while V tries to organize his thoughts. There've been a lot of them, and after his disagreement with Johnny, he's just feeling like he's got nothing to complain about. He shouldn't complain. He should just get the fuck on with living, right? ]

Both?

[ Pulling back finally, it takes a while for his eyes to meet Kerry's. Being honest and open about a lot of things is one thing, but it doesn't translate to this. ]

I'm tryin' so hard to not... let it get to me. 'cept the more I push it away, more it comes for me.

[Kerry looks back at V and reaches up a hand to rub the back of his neck.]

Like tryin' to get out of drowning when you're too exhausted to keep swimmin'

[ Nodding slowly with the warmth of Kerry's fingers at the back of his neck, V's expression drops, like having it said out loud makes it even more real. ]

Hard to know who I'm s'posed to be here.

Well...

Who do you wanna be?

[ It's a fair question, but V fidgets like he doesn't know how to answer. Should be simple but it feels complicated. ]

Thought I knew who I was 'fore what happened. Think 'm still the same but... don't feel the same.

[ He pauses because this is the part that makes him feel guilty. ]

Don't feel like a whole person anymore. And I shouldn't complain 'cause I got you here, I got Jackie back. Johnny's... here. 'cept not the way I'm used to. And my head's still fucked. Maybe somethin' here's gonna help with that but...

[ But it doesn't change the fact that when he goes home he's assuming what's wrong with him is still terminal. So he's caught somewhere between feeling guilty for not being consistently happy about everything he's gained from being here, but his last memories of home were the desperation in wanting so badly to live and staring down the barrel of death. ]

Johnny thinks I've given up.

Johnny's full of shit.

[Kerry dismisses Johnny's opinion easily, but he knows more than most how deeply Johnny's words can cut, and how they can haunt you for so long after he's uttered them.]

You are allowed to rest when you need it, V.

[ He thinks he knows that, sometimes. But Johnny's opinion matters to him. Kerry's does too, and it's that he's holding onto now as he relaxes against Kerry's body again. ]

I don't know, Ker. Tried to tell 'im I'm not like 'im. Can imagine how that landed.

[Kerry snorts.] Don't gotta imagine that, so much. [Sure his relationship with Johnny was wildly different, but they still had their own constant falling outs because Kerry's ideology wasn't as pure as Johnny would have liked.

He sighs and then settles in.]

You ever heard of Taliyakud?

Taliyakud? No.

...I should've?

[ Is this a memory thing or just a never knew thing? Fuck if V knows. ]

Nah, nah. [Kerry reassures him.]

He's myth, ya know? He judges the souls of the dead. If your soul is pure, you get to move on to a better afterlife. If your soul is wicked, he burns you up in the fire he tends to.

[A pause, just to make sure V gets it.]

Johnny was like that. Except he wasn't looking for purity. He just wanted to burn wicked souls, his own included.

But... fuck, Taliyakud's still a god. Still in charge of a scared duty, still powerful in his own right, and the joy he promises those he deems worthy is strong and lasts forever.

Johnny was like that too.

[ Listening with the same attention he gives to everything Kerry says, V's expression slackens again, though this time it's more in secure relaxation. Kerry's voice explaining it all is a balm in itself. But once he's done, those eyebrows raise up.

And the start of a small, genuine smile. ]

Don't let 'im hear ya comparin' 'im to a god. Fuckin' ego size'a a planet already.

[ But he gets it, understands where Kerry's coming from. He's lived with Johnny inside his head, threatening to flatline him to get what he wants at first. And then things changed. ]

Not that I don't know he gives a shit. I know he does. Just a fuckin' dick about it sometimes.

Oh, yeah. The biggest. Even bigger than he likes to claim his own dick is.

[Kerry replies, grinning.]

Point is, don't let him burn you up, V. He don't have the wisdom of a god and he lets things set 'im off and uses that as an excuse to toss you into the flame.

[ Laugh loosened from his throat, V's eyes crinkle at the corners. ]

Can't say I've seen it but considerin' how much he likes to talk it up...

[ He's not sure where he's going with that because now he's just thinking about Johnny's dick and that feels... weird in itself for a lot of reasons. Moving the fuck on. ]

Yeah, I know. Guess I just needed to be told.

You always been this wise or just 'cause you're an old man? Sexiest old man I ever knew.

[ Which is probably obvious since his hands have started to stray down to Kerry's ass to squeeze. ]

[Yeah, V, let's not talk about trying to see Johnny's dick. That's dangerous for them both.

As V's hand slides down his body he pushes himself forward to let V touch as much as he likes.]

Nah. Not that wise. It's just this particular topic...

[But, as V touches him he doesn't want to talk about Johnny anymore. He just wants to put his hands all over V's body instead.]

You and me, we're stuck in one of them loops yeah? All centered 'round Johnny and trying to get him to deem us worthy enough we get to go to the feast.

Let's make a new one instead.

[ Even if it's just this topic, V's grateful that Kerry's here for him. There's no other way to describe the rush of love he feels, filling him up from his toes all the way to the tips of his hair. ]

Love ya, Ker.

[ He doesn't remember if he said that before, in those months he doesn't remember. But it feels right, feels like home. Nuzzling up under the bristles at Kerry's jaw, he smiles. ]

Dunno if I said that before but... I do. I love you.

Hm.

[Kerry hates it when V corners him into expressing his deep emotion. Hates it in the way where he actually loves it, anyway. Usually he hides it behind 'I don't want to lose you' or 'Come watch this movie with me.' That doesn't stop the emotion from existing, though.]

I love you too, Vince.

See now I know ya mean it 'cause it's only 'Vince' when shit gets serious.

[ But it's enough. More than enough. It's everything. So V tilts Kerry's jaw up and kisses him exactly like he wants to; deep and expressing that same feeling without words. ]

[Kerry is grateful that he doesn't have to answer that in any way other than kissing V back. His heart feels too full anyway, the only words that would make sense of it would have to be put in a song. The kiss, though, that makes sense. He can pour his love into it and share that with V.]

[ Caught up in the kiss feels a lot better than being caught up in everything else. He's no further along figuring out what the fuck to do about it all, but what he does have is the love and support from Kerry. He's over his bout of crying at everything like when he first arrived, but if he wasn't he'd be crying now. ]

Think I got a way to show you how much.

[ Which is all the warning he's giving before his hands are dropping to the fastening of Kerry's pants. ]

[Kerry makes a soft, pleased sound. He moves his arms to lift them and give V space he needs to do what he likes.]

Oh? Think I'll like this idea...

Yeah, you're gonna love it.

[ Shooting Kerry a conspiratorial smirk, V's fingers deftly loosen enough material away from the smooth plane of Kerry's abdomen. The gap's just big for him to slide in a hand, knuckles gliding through soft curls and fingers splaying as they slide either side of the other man's cock to squeeze lightly. ]

[Kerry leans back and groans, letting himself settle into the pleasure of V touching him. It's his favorite addiction.]

Fuckin' hell... [He mumbles, voice low.]

Can't even think properly now.

Don't gotta think. Just gotta feel.

[ Such sage advice. One that he's going to take himself too.

And he's not going to give Kerry time to think at all, instead shifting and twisting, dropping to his knees and dragging Kerry's pants and underwear down to just below the curve of his ass with his fingernails. ]

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cw: terminal illness, depression

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